Finca

I am just about to make my third trip in surveying a 40 hectare finca that I might turn into an organic farm. We will be conducting this one as the other two on horseback. Here is something for you to read while I am out.

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said,
“Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….



My wife suggested for my birthday I have a threesome.
I replied "Do I get to pick both girls?"
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started…


My wife was standing in front of the mirror one day and said, "I look old, fat and ugly; I feel horrible. I need you to pay me a compliment."
So I said, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...

My wife caught me cheating on her with our best friend.
But then she said it's OK because it was only physical, and she was right. So we went to watch Rocky III on DVD.
And then the fight started...



My wife said, "I'm not happy with my breasts. I want larger ones. Maybe I should get surgery".
I said, "You don't need to spend all that money. You can make them larger just by rubbing them with bathroom tissue".
"Bathroom tissue?!? What makes you think that would work??"
"Well, it's been working on your ass for years".
And then the fight started...

I was talking to this guy the other day and he said, "do you ever mean to say one thing, but it comes out all messed up? For instance, I was at the train station, when a very busty ticket agent came to the window. I meant to say, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh," but it came out as "I'd like two pickets to titsburgh."
And I said, "Well, yes, funny you should mention that. Just this morning, I was having breakfast with my wife.
I meant to say, 'Please pass the butter,' but it came out as, 'I hate you bitch, you ruined my entire life.'"

nationalmaverick 46 points 9 hours ago[-]
This is a joke from Frasier. "Niles: A funny thing happened the other day. One of my patients had a rather amusing
Freudian slip. He was having dinner with his wife and he meant to say "Pass the salt," but instead he said
"You've ruined my life, you blood-sucking shrew."


A man comes home from work and sits in his favorite chair. He asks his wife if she could "get me a beer before it starts"
and she complies. When he finishes his beer he asks his wife if she could get him another one before it starts. She seems confused but brings her husband a beer anyway.
The third time he asked, she was fed up. She said "before what starts? some stupid hockey game that you're
going to sit and watch for how many hours? You think because you worked today you're the only one
who has it tough and you get to just sit around when you get home? I'll have you know I had a HELL of a day,
and maybe I would like to just sit down and drink some beers and watch something but NO I'm in the kitchen
cooking supper and getting you beer! So what is so god damn important that I need to get you beer before it starts?!?!?"
The husband replies "and it starts..."



My wife and I were having sex and it just didn't seem to be working so good for either of us so I asked her
''What's the matter honey can't you think of anybody else either?'' And then the fight started.



A man comes home from work a says "honey pack your bags I just won the lottery"
she say "great should I pack for warm or cold weather?" the man responds " I don't care as long as your out by 8:00"


Marriage is like a three ring circus. First you have the engagement ring. Then you get the wedding ring.
And lastly you have the suffering.
I thought this was a Groucho Marx quote but can't find verification on the internets.


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..

My wife walked into the den & asked “Whats on the tv?”
I replied “Dust”.
And that’s how the fight started…..

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And that’s how the fight started…..


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said,
‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that’s how the fight started…..

I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started….


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at
night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started…..


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
’I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
’Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started…..


I got fired from my job and had to explain to the wife that
'I got caught with my dick in the restaurant pickle slicer.'
'With your dick in the restaurant pickle slicer?' she asked astonished.
'Yes' I replied, 'She got fired too!"
And that’s when the fight started…..

Well...my mom always said there's 3 kinds of married sex.
First , there's kitchen table sex when you're first married and you have sex everywhere including the kitchen table.
Second, there's bedroom sex when you now have kids so you have to have it in the bedroom.
Third, there's hallway sex where the kids are grown so you pass each other
in the hallway and say to each other, "Fuck You".