I've been living a very sedentary existence and eating enough for two. In thirteen days I've managed to pack on ten pounds. Today it was time to take care of a few things.
First we went to the "sorting office" a Royal Mail letter and package sorting station bearing the notice left in Jan's mailbox. We picked up the micro hard drive case and proceeded to the post office to send a letter, an income tax return check which I had to mail to my bank in the states. The post office was located above a book store. I glanced at a few titles and thought, "Not the business I'd want to be in, electronic books will be the end of this place soon." At the top of the stairs a sign indicated that six stamps could be bought for two pounds forty. Christ! That's sixty cents to mail a single letter. I have no idea what a stamp costs in the United States. I don't mail anything.
There was no queue so I wound my way through the barriers to the waiting clerk and indicated that I wanted my letter tracked. Jan translated my English into British saying, "he wants recorded delivery." The woman told me that it would be sent overnight and stated the amount. I pointed out that the envelope was bound for the U.S. Another option was called for. Large metallic gold stickers were affixed and a receipt with tracking information was provided in exchange for five pounds eight two, thats about $9. Better than spending $48 in Panama toward the same end.
On our way back to the parking garage Jan pointed out the location of the fitness center. No time like the present. "Parking Garage? What's that? It's called a car park." We walked down the hall and up the flight of stairs. I inquired about the rate, yes monthly memberships were available for forty five pounds, about seventy bucks. Whatever. I told the girl I didn't need to see the place, have any of the machines explained to me. Here's the cash, just give me my membership card. Three minutes later I was heading out the door.
Time to buy some workout gear. Shorts.. yup... they'll do. Shirt, nothing in whale size. Shirt... yup that will do. Shoes. I walked over to where the "trainers" were and found a pair of low rise leather trekkers with thick Vibram soles. Yup... they'll do.
"You need to look at the others. Here look at these."
"Not waterproof."
"Look at these."
"Soles are too thin, I'd wear them out in a month."
"Look, there are hundreds of them."
I thought, "There are millions of women, I didn't try them all on. Just shush."
I said nothing.
I found some in my size. UK 11, US 12. WTF?
Strap sandals. Nothing in my size but some with leather. Oh, what hell.
"Jan, you need a pair of shoes like these for walking through and across rivers."
"But these are waterproof."
"Not if you walk in water over the top, up to your knees. Or you have to portage a canoe."
"Don't they have any other colors?"
"Are you f**king kidding me?
I said nothing.
"What if somebody sees me in them?"
"It's Panama, in the jungle, in the mountains, near waterfalls. It's not a fashion parade."
Reluctant, "Well, let me see what else they have."
Somebody shoot me now.
Dry bags! I'm as excited as a fat labrador under a dinner table full of slobs. I have plenty of dry bags. But you can never have too many. I picked up a couple. And some extra large micro fibre towels, one in blue and one in pink. That should stop any arguments over who lost theirs.
At the checkout counter they would not accept my visa as it didn't have a microchip in it, so I resorted to cash.
Off to the grocery store.
Instant coffee? Blech. Hey look, French Presses, here is a mini one that goes in a coffee cup, lightweight, small, all stainless steel and plastic. Ok, time for coffee. Extra Strong flavor, high caffeine. No need to look at anything else. Sage filled pork joint. I walked by the fishmongers, WTF, yellowfin tuna is twenty two pounds a kilo? About fifteen times the price of fresh yellowfin in Panama. Ok, I just came in here for coffee. Off to the self check out. Bing,, bang, out the door. Where's Jan? I check the time and go back into the store, pickup four heads of iceberg lettuce priced at one pound fifty for two. Back to the self checkout. They rang up at a pound apiece. Pushed the help button. A minute later a clerk appeared, signed in with her card and the machine had a credit of one pound. "What did you do?" I asked. "I didn't do anything."
Oh, yeah, right
But she never did ask what my issue was.
Out to the parking lot, cars came and went of every type, BMW, Mercedes, Lexus, Ferrari, Lamborghini, MG, Cooper, Puegot, Renault, Vauxhall... ahh, here's her SUV. Three charges in the rear seat. One was Leon, who has been formerly introduced. The other two were brothers, Jack and Joshua. One looked like a miniature of the other. Leon introduced me, "Jungle Jim, will you show them the happiest penguin?" (A youtube video).
Back to the house. The kids were amazingly well behaved. I finally met their mothers. I shouldn't be in this flat without a script from the chief of police somewhere. Their mothers seemed to think me harmless enough. So, I posted this in about 20 minutes while she is
writing a post about a trip to the museum and realizing what a pain in the ass blogging is.
